I don't exactly even know what to write here. To tell you the truth it's 2 in the morning & my thoughts aren't exactly clear. All I know is that I have a Senior Prank to pull, Women's Studies Club to finish, a Take Back the Night March & Rally tomorrow night, a Slam Poem to memorize for Thursday, & our Uh-Oh scene for Advanced Drama play, 'All I Really Need To Know I Learned in Kindergarden' for Thursday as well.

Then next week is my last week. Talk about a slap in the face.

All while being on guard for this infamous prank Dufty is going to pull on me after years of torturing & beating him on the Chart of Awesomeness. I shall be served, hopefully not in the face.

I don't exactly know what my life is like right now, it varies between stages of good & holy shit. Let's just pray to Gaia that I end up alive.

I've been looking through all of the journal entry's I've made since I started this account, & one of the only things I can say is that sometimes I was really creative & my writing reflected that, but most of the time I was falling apart, utterly falling apart. I was going insane, and to tell you the truth, whoever is reading this, some of the things I mentioned I'm struggling with now. If I said that what I'm going through now, is different then before is probably not true, in reference to the entries. I literally can't focus on anything. I'm a blank sheet almost all day. I feel like I lost the good part of me, & damn me to hell if I knew how to get that back.

My College class exam is on Tuesday

We're rehersing for our Adv. Drama play "All I Really Need To Know I Learned in Kindergarden"

I have no idea what to do in Women's Studies

I've accomplished nothing good in Sculpture

And I'm going through a serious case of writers block in CW: Poetry.


Well, here's to the days when you'd rather drink all day & wear a bath robe in public.

It's far past 1am, & I can't sleep. The notes of music pierce my soul, each pitch a different wave, a different tone, the same emotion; pain. Every stroke of the violin, every chime, every piano key hit sweeps through my ears & entraps my soul, embracing my heart, & fluctuating my mind.

I think I'm developing insomnia. I wish there were a universal pill one could take to cure all forms of hurt & complication without dehumanizing them. One that can cure insomnia, depression, back & stomach pain, headaches, & bipolar disorder. I just want to be able to sleep, to not feel incomplete, to not have back & stomach pain, no mood swings or fits. To just feel like nothing is missing, not just in life, but within myself.

And the last lyrics of the song 'Colorblind' by the Counting Crows, are "I am fine."

No, you're not, & neither am I...

The fire burns
It's hot flames flickering
in and out of existence
as I am
flickering in and out of the world
out of existence.
I am made of fragments
of flesh and light
of earth that structures my bones
air that whistles through my hair
water that runs through my body
and fire that burns in my soul.
These blue and blond flames
that escape from orange masses of life
organic matter decomposed to ash..
through it grows a seed
a tree of life
existence
gravity and matter
compilled into one universe
as big to man as his cock
and as small to Gaia as a figment of dust
a fragment of space
occupied by something so small
it's hardly there
-----------------------------------------------

8:37pm
I'm not over it.
It's painful
But I still do it.
It makes me no better
Than who I was before.
It means I've accomplished nothing
Over the years, nothing.
And I don't know why I hurt so bad inside,
because outside, nothing's wrong.
I tell myself,
you don't need to do this
why are you doing this?
But I can't help it
I still do
It's an addiction
An addiction I thought I concquered
But in actuality,
I just hid.
I thought I was getting better
growing up
But it's not that simple
Is it?
No matter how many times your skin peels
You are still the same inside
And just when you think you've changed
The more skin needs to be peeled away
To make you okay again.
And as I'm lying in this vat of water
iced with tears
The electricity is flowing through my body
escalading down my arm
"I know something is broken
and I'm trying to fix it
trying to repair it
anyway I can." - Coldplay


"Breathe me, mad world, my wonderwall."

I've figured out that I write alone.

I write by myself, in the dark, listening to music, and here is what my essential creative expression is translated to musical remedies:

* The Fountain - Clint Mansell
* Mad World - Michael Andrews
* Teardrop - Massive Attack
* Colorblind - Counting Crows
* Breathe Me - Sia
* Saeglopur - Sigur Ros
* Crystal - Stevie Nicks
* X & Y - Coldplay
* Wonderwall - Oasis
* Hide & Seek - John Ottman
* How to Fight Loneliness - Wilco
* Lemon - Katy Rose
* Fallen - Sarah McLachlan
* Everything - Lifehouse

Peace. Ashes